a year after

It’s gonna be a year come 14 of February since my last breakup. And now that the painful experience is far too distant to even remember, I look back with a feeling of relief. At long last, everything has been put to rest.

I’ve gone through a letter I have written before, ending the courtship. Indeed, I was too busy even before I jumped into that relationship. Now I know I have wrongfully decided to take that guy for a boyfriend, when what I had just needed at the time is companionship.

And now, I can’t even remember a thing or two when I did really feel happy having him for a boyfriend, ‘cept for the convenience of having a companion at all times.

But why was it so painful and hard for me to let go then? Well, the best explanation is the word `nasanay.’--I had someone to fetch me before going to work; I had someone waiting for almost five hours for me for dinner; I had someone to walk me home after getting out of the office too late at night; I had someone who was willing to do errands for me if I got too busy; I had someone to fetch me with an umbrella when it is raining and I had to go to work---the convenience of having someone by your side everytime you need something. Meaning, I needed him, but maybe I had not loved him at all. But sometimes, the feeling of `need’ is mistaken for love.

I’m going to share with you the excerpt of my letter to the guy when five months into the courtship, I decided to let him down. btw, the file was saved in my pc as `sorry’.

``IN A WORLD full of hatred and bitterness, lies and deceit, it’s hard finding real people whose sincerity and love are quite real.

It takes a lifetime to find one, and maybe, the others have all gone to extinction. One is quite lucky if he/she is going to find the last one.

You are one of those kind. A caring and thoughtful person who is passionate with things he deems special.

And I’m pretty lucky to have met you in this modern age, when almost every guy is just trying to get in every girl’s pants. Know what I mean?...

….. the picture of too-good-to-be-true relationship might be great, tempting to others but the cold hard truth is, I’m not entering any relationship in the near future. I can’t fully commit and perhaps, I won’t be able to, till I am complete.

I’m not ready to face the challenges of another relationship. I’ve got a lot of loose ends to tie up….my dreams ….. In the long run, time will be scarce for both of us and soon, I’d be seeing you taken for granted all the time.

It’s all pointless. And you don’t deserve such kind of deprivation.

You are young. ….You’re fresh. You need to enjoy life and not get entangled with the world’s complexities too soon.

You deserve to be happy. And that does not depend on anyone but yourself and your dreams. I don’t want your world to revolve around me. Stay the same, go out and don’t miss out on things you should be enjoying. Life is so short, remember that.

I’ve tried my best giving back the care and attention you deserve, but it incurred compromises either to myself or to my work. I don’t have enough time for both.

And though I’ve got a plan, this is one of those many plans rerouted. I am sorry to bring your courtship to end. I can’t bear the gnawing guilt any longer. Don’t want you to waste time waiting while passing up on chances with other girls.

Cuss me, slap me on the face if you want. And I know that it would never be fair to you. I know I’ve been indebted to you in a lot of things….

But someday, when things about me would be okay, when I have already finished my higher studies, I would be proud to tell you I could help you in any way you want.

I need a lot of space and time right now. I am so sorry if I can’t meet all your expectations. I know it would be too painful for you, cos you’ve exerted too much effort, you’ve put in a lot of emotions and financial investment, but someday, you would understand.

It’s not easy, I know. But this is the only way for me to be complete and to be better ….

I am so sorry, but I guess, we could no longer continue with your courtship and waiting.

Back to square one. Let’s remain friends. If you need someone to talk to, I’d still be there, but not all the time. Can still eat merienda with you but not always. Anything but a relationship.

I’d understand if you would hate me for the rest of your life but all I can say is, thank you so much for coming into my life, for sharing in my miseries and for always listening to my troubles, for always being there, for your endless understanding, for the love and care.

You would remain a special keepsake of my heart and I’d always remember the time we have enjoyed together. you’ve touched my life and one day, when things are better about me, I’d be knocking at your doorstep for a chat over coffee in my favorite coffeeshop. And each time I would remember our happy times together, I’d smile cos you’ve been part of my life.

Take care...i’ll miss ya..’’

now that all of the things i have planned for myself before are slowly coming to life, i am far much happier. yeah. good times come, but certainly great times are better.

indeed, good things come to those who wait, and perhaps, i might not have experienced such a painful goodbye if i had seen what's quite more important back then. but it's never too late to celebrate in happiness. cheers to fellow interior design students, and have a happy valentine's day this saturday.

see you on Monday, ;)