noon at ngayon

now

then

here are two photos of mine. The one on top was taken last year and the one below it was taken in 2006, i think. which one do you like better? ;)

Jam for Jamillah

do you still remember Jamillah of Pinoy Big Brother? well, that is if you are a Kapamilya. She belonged to the batch where Kim Chiu was.

Jam is my schoolmate at PSID. She was one of the earliest people to arrive on the first day of school, me included. she was seated beside me on a bench on that morning. but not knowing who was her, i never attempted engaging in a small talk.

but maybe she was as excited as i was, so she did ask me if i belong to the elements and principles of design class. here's how it went:

jam: first term mo?
me: yup. ikaw?
jam: first term din. may elements and principles of design ka?
me: yeah. kaw din?
jam: oo. so, four subjects ka din?
me: no. 2 subjects lang.
jam: ay, bakit?!
me: may MBA din kse aq e, sabay.
jam: ah. graduate ka na?
me: uh-huh. kaw undergrad?
jam: oo, considered. tumigil aq e, 2 years ago. anung name mo?
me: Cris. and u?
jam: jam
me: j-a-m?
jam: yeah. jamillah
me: nice meeting you
jam: (smiles)

i looked at my watch and then got up to check our room. then at 8 or 9 a.m. the orientation proceeded. jamillah was also there. we just nodded at each other when i came in.

after that, she was transferred to the afternoon class. and the next time i met her was this morning. she was talking to a girl who talks with the same kind of english (taglish). we acknowledged each other with smiles. and since they were both in front of me, i have been hearing what they were talking about. they discussed freehand drawing, i think. then, it segued to another topic which is travel time to school and mommyhood. then she mentioned about Kim Chiu, her batchmate in PBB. that was then i was reminded of her name.

i don't really know her. i mean, i am a Kapuso, you see? being an `inquirer,' i don't switch to another channel when it comes to news. so, obviously, i am not familiar of the other network's shows. but i remember a girl with a kid named Jamillah who was on PBB before. it was mentioned by my younger sister, i think.

so, that was it. jamillah is cute by the way. she is a petite almost morena-skinned girl. though from how she looks, she really does seem like a mom.

wala lang, share ko lang. hehe.

Reunited

i bumped into Philip Tubeza today. he is a college batchmate and a close office friend.

it felt good getting reunited with old friends, people i always spent nightouts with during my early years in the Inquirer. he said, he was finally coming back as a reporter. it was a good thing on my part.

most of my friends and acquaintances have long been gone. one went to the United States and another got a new job in a pharmaceutical laboratory. and that was years ago.

most of the time, i find myself in the company of newly hired journalists. though i get along with almost all of them, it felt different to be with people i had spent time with when i was still starting out. i felt more `at home' in their company, considering the fact that i went to school with them.

well, the past has always a way of getting into the present. but this time, it is of a great purpose.

my, my, my precious!

i bought an apple laptop on december 19 last year. the one with the white color. is white considered a color? well, practically half of my fortune looted from my dad's pension all went to Senco on that very day. *sniff sniff* but upon setting sight on that sleek shiny little whitey macbook, the pain of letting go a little over 50 thousand pesos just went off in a blink of an eye.

i have been wanting to own a macbook eversince 2007. it is all for the purpose of using it in interior design. but being always short on savings, i would always end up delaying the gratification of working on a mac laptop.

so what is the difference of a macbook from other brands? well, aside from the fact that apple computers are really great for graphic related projects, the idea of a computer virus pestering you in the middle of the night while rushing a project or an article is far from happening at all. it is because of the fact that viruses don't usually work on apple computers. simply for the reason that apple computer system works different from that of windows and other computer systems. imagine a doctor who works in a hospital and cures the sick but rarely does he get infected. either he has a very strong immune system or he has taken immunity drugs.

so, each time you plug a usb/flash disk on the slot provided on your macbook, worry not, cause the disk might have caught the virus, but it surely won't destroy any of your data or software stored on your macbook.

i really take great care of my macbook. i loove the color so much. and aside from the fact that my fave color is white, it looks squeaky clean all the time.

i guess i ought to name this fave gadget of mine. do you think shandi will do? =)

Finally

finally, an acquaintance got her wish, and she deserved it.

last month, talks on ericka's wedding were going around. some of her friends wrote messages of greetings on her multiply site, telling their best wishes. i am not one of her close friends. but being buddies online, we have shared a lot just the same.

during downtimes, i was her online confidante. after a few hours of chatting, she'd feel fine and she'd thank me much. i did the same. but the story behind our friendship was somewhat twisted. others may call it crazy. but let me tell you about it.

my ex-bf, the one i had broken up with on February last year, was once ericka's first boyfriend. they had been on for four and a half years. after a year or so, ericka dated suitors till she met her would-be husband, the one she married last december. my ex-bf, who was her first ex-bf remained single at the time and hoped and prayed to get back with his first love. but sadly, it did not happen.

he failed to win ericka back. and despite the pain of letting her go, he did not stay away. ericka never wanted him back, except for being a friend. so, he accepted his fate. they remained friends.

during those times, he started looking around for a girlfriend. but unfortunately, he did not have one at once. and the truth was, he still loved ericka so much. so each time ericka called him for company, he'd always be there. they were friends, and what are friends for, right?

this went on for another year till he met me. i was nursing a broken heart then from a year-old breakup. i told him the story behind and remained honest about everything. he wanted me to stop any form of communication with my ex-bf, and i did. even if he might not have ordered me to do so, i could still have done the same. it was my idea of a fair play: to stop communicating with an ex-love to be fair with the new suitor.

we refrained from talking, providing company or even doing errands for an ex-love. it was an unwritten rule between us, or so, i thought. he set a lot of rules around me, too. i was not allowed to join friends in any kind of outing or get togethers without him. if the nightout or gathering did not fit in his schedule, it was good as a missed one. texting new friends or even groupmates/classmates in MBA was not allowed, too.

This did not sit well with me. but believing things were fairly the same on his part, i obliged to avoid any dispute. however, it would always be fine with me if he goes out with his barkasa, as long as i know about it. but to be fair, he never went out with them, too, especially if it did not fit in my schedule. i found this stifling, so i suggested for any of us to go even without the other, but he said, i only wanted him to go out so i could go out alone as well. some kind of illogical thinking. i let this passed later on.

honesty is still the best policy within a relationship. this had been working on my part. but on the other side of the coin, it was secretly not happening. without my knowledge, ericka continued texting and calling him but he never told me about it. in short, the communication between them as `friends' continued.

i discovered this when i started chatting with ericka. how was i able to talk with her, you asked? simple. at first, curiosity kicked in when i saw ericka's email add still on his email directory one day and her phone number still on his phone directory. i found this odd so i found a way to talk to ericka online. it was my attempt to get to know more about what really happened between them, since he never told me everything and curiosity got me into it.

i was never good at lying. but in the name of truth, for once, i mastered the craft of a liar. with ericka mistaking me for a guy when i added her on ym (yeah. she's a bit gullible, too trusting i should say), i never told her the truth. instead, i played according to her assumption. she would air out her sentiments each time she'd feel down with her then bf (now her husband). i told her i was an artist. to prove this, i did a sketch on one of her photos on multiply.

we chatted for 2 years without revealing who i was. i succeeded getting all the info i exactly needed. i became a friend. she even wanted me to see her in person. and i discovered all the lies my ex-bf told me. DISHONESTY 1: it was a lie when he told me he forgot to delete ericka's number. he said, it was his nature to just leave things as that, not cleaning up emails and phone directories.

i trust him, so i believed him then. but it was a big lie. the truth is, he never deleted her number cuz he changed his phone (according to ericka). meaning, the number would have stayed with the old one, but i still saw it on his phone directory. why was the number still there? i guess, he never wanted to lose comm with ericka after all.

DISHONESTY 2: i also learned from her during our pseudo-relationship (3-5 month courtship) that he stayed in the hospital to look after sick ericka without me knowing it. how do i know she was telling the truth? ericka believed she had been talking to a cute guy online all along. and she was revealing me her heart's content about everything.

DISHONESTY 3: he gave me his password for his friendster account so i could upload our pictures. when i teased him he was still friends with ericka, he outrightly said he forgot to do so. DISHONESTY 4: ericka called him at work but he never mentioned it to me.

it started out after i asked her casually about her first love and the like. she told me the whole story. that was then i discovered my ex-bf who was her first ex-bf was a big liar. he never stopped the communication between him and ericka. when i saw her pictures on his wallet when he started courting me, i should have been warned that he was not over her yet. but being not the jealous type, i ignored it. i did not get it early on that he wanted a gf to finally forget her in the process.

it hurt me a lot knowing this from another person and not from him outright. i am not the jealous kind, but i lost my trust on him. he concealed a lot of things. he broke his own rules: e.g. he provided company for his ex-gf; he talked with her behind my back, etc. and losing trust, i began being suspicious all the time. i even broke up with the guy a lot of times, but with him being persistent, i would cave in with all his pleas.

i was deeply hurt. but i found ericka a nice girl. so i remained friends with her online. she never knew the truth about me till i finally broke up with her ex-guy on February.

she shared a lot about her life online. her heartaches, her down times and most of all, her rollercoaster ride about her then boyfriend. i was lucky to have known her even if it just happened online. i would never forget her.

i met with her in person 2 weeks after my breakup with her ex-first love and told her the truth. she got mad. that was expected, but we remained friends. i ceased communicating with her after the revelation. i know she went through a lot. and now that she is married with the guy she deeply loved, i should say, cheers! finally, you got your wish.

note: without ericka's life and love stories, i could have remained a fool in a relationship with her ex-first love. thanks to ericka for all the stories she told me online. =)

i belong

i expected my first two days in interior design school to be somewhat unnerving. but suprisingly, these turned out to be cool and fun.

i did not know what to expect at first, 'cept for the fact that i would totally look like an idiot when the drafting begins. and worse, i might not be able to make friends easily, surmising that most will be snobs on the premise that i would be with affluent people.

but i was mistaken folks. though most of my classmates looked like snobs on the first day, everybody warmed up on the second day. i may not be of the affluent kind nor with those of the bottom ones; just in the middle. but this did not set each one apart. Everyone were as excited as i was. and contrary to what i speculated, making friends came out so naturally.

birds of the same feather flock together. remember this line? each of us were like puzzle pieces that perfectly fit together. yeah. in short, i belong.

we are the first batch of ID students being accommodated in the new building of PSID. and we are lucky enough to have such a fun instructor. His name is Victor Ruel L. Pambid. A cool interior designer who finished psychology at the UST for an undergrad and took a certificate in interior design in the same school where he is presently the academic director.

he's got a good personality, someone you would look forward to seeing everyday. patient and funny at the same time, he teaches so well that no one would ever feel like a first-timer. his class is one that students will surely enjoy.

the three-hour class is far from being a boring one. simply because of the very nature of the class. the atmosphere is very relax. students are given enough time to finish drafting and allowed to go out for materials they lack.

it was a whole new experience for me. Spending the first two days fanned out my desire to finish what i have started.

and what can i say? i belong!

a different year

i ended year 2008 with a bang.

not in the literal sense of the word, but in a way that was quite different from the previous years. it was different because year 2008 had been a very challenging year for me. i hurdled a lot of obstacles, came out of emotionally draining situations, bounced back from depressing familial dramas, finished started projects and even achieving a sense of fulfillment along the way, cause you know what? i became much more closer to God.

and the most unnerving of them all? it was the battle of wits and emotions. but i succeeded after all. it was very painful, though. but i was thankful enough to eventually pull through, even if the process was totally difficult.

i have never experienced such kind of getting over someone that has been so much a part of me. but truly, blessed are the ones who always wait.

in exchange for all the effort of getting on with life less that special someone is the list of achieved goals within one fruitful year. aside from the happiness i felt, the real joy of Christmas had been visible in me since the last quarter, evidenced by the smile that kept crossing my face throughout the end of year 2008.

i joined a lot of activities, met a lot of friends, enrolled in a course of my choice, went out with long-lost friends, bonded with family members and learned new skills, achieved better focus and have my mind sharpened. in short, at the end of 2008, i have been renewed. thank God.

that is ending the year with a bang. how did you end the year, by the way?

happier noche buena and media noche

of the times i celebrated Christmas and New Year, 2008's noche buena and media noche were the best for me.

it was not about the food prepared nor the presents given, but exactly the feeling of happiness in our hearts. simply because we were with the most important people in our lives during this time.

In fact, we prepared only our favorite dishes. but i saw the big difference. i felt the happiness of each one as smiles keep crossing one another's faces. indeed, i had a simple celebration and yet a happier one.

i learned one thing from it: Christmas is actually the joy in our hearts. it doesn't matter what food you prepare, or what gift you receive. nothing compares to the happiness of spending it with your loved ones.

as they say, life is short. we'll never know when we're gonna go. what is important is we have spent each and every special moments in our lives with our loved ones.

so, make it another resolution on your list next year: spend more time with your family, especially during family get-togethers and bonding.

Happy New Year everyone!

passion + talent and creativity = dream career

i have been in the media industry for almost a decade now. the job? well, kinda okay. the pay? great. the work? a lil bit boring.

well, i graduated with a degree in journalism from the University of the Philippines in Diliman. Two months after, i found myself in a startup PR-advertising firm in Makati as a writer. Four months into the job, i got `pirated' (?) by the most-read broadsheet of the Philippines (yeah. i am proud of being part of the Inquirer). Years went on. I wrote articles on occasional basis. Occasional in the sense that i got to write stories on assignment basis, unlike beat reporters who do fieldwork every day. In lieu of this, i stayed in the office with the editorial team and worked closely with section editors as i did layouts and copy editing for grammatical error and structure.

Apart from the perks and the prestige of being an Inquirer journalist, i enjoyed great bonuses together with other cash benefits, like subsidies and incentives. In exchange, holidays meant working overtime and getting additional pay.

however, doing the same thing day in day out for quite a long time made the job boring. so, during idle times in between work, i did the most predictable thing that a bored person usually does: surf the net; read a book, design my blogsite and website, watch clips from youtube, chat with friends and most recently, learn sketchup and photoshop from free turorials through the Internet.

Only one of the boredom busters mentioned above turned out to be beneficial. And that is educating myself about photoshop and sketchup. I have been enjoying editing pictures recently, and i look forward to doing interior designs soon.

I have always been interested in anything that has something to do with creativity: interior design, photography, fashion, culinary arts, animation, sketching and illustration, music and entrepreneurship. but on top of these is my great interest on interior design.

Everytime i visit the mall, i never fail checking out its decoration, furniture and home improvement corner. i have collected interior design magazines over the years, getting fascinated with apartment makeovers and interior space designs.

With my job making my life uninteresting, i finally discovered my passion for interior design. though i have tried warding off boredom by getting schooled with entrepreneurship in the graduate school of UST, i found it hard losing sight of my dream career. while working as a journalist, there is a part of me saying i belong to the creative world. so, upon enrollment in interior design, there was no turning back. besides, i am planning of putting up my own business as soon as i finish mba. first day of school is on monday.

i know. it would totally be a whole new world for me. a very different one. some might ask: what's a journalist doing in an interior design institution? well, i got the passion for it. talent and creativity follows. and declaring myself a licensed interior designer two or three years from now is exactly my idea of success: getting into my dream career, with or without the financial rewards.

big dreams

when you dream, dream big; when you set your goals, aim high.

i heard this from a friend years ago when he tried boosting my morale as i told him what profession i do really dreamed of. and he did quite well in rekindling the passion in my heart. now, i know i am treading the right path. i am closer to that dream waiting to happen soon.

when i entered UP back then, i never saw myself living the life of an interior designer. honestly, the idea never hit me. it might have come quite late, but not too late to realize a dream i never thought it's gonna happen in the first place.

but last Nov. 28, i finally enrolled in interior design. i must have gone crazy, most of my journ classmates thought. a lot of them raised their brows and threw a questioning look at me. but lo and behold. nothing stopped me from dreaming of managing my own furniture shop someday. no sour comment can ever kill my passion for interior design.

i might not have recognized my abilities in interior design earlier, but how do i see myself 10 years from now? i always imagined myself doing interior designs for hotels, offices and residences.

some say they get confused of what do i intend to be. but just the same, nothing beats getting paid for doing something you love the most. creating something out of passion is not the same as doing something just for the money. passion is what drives you to work even in the absence of a good pay.

Quoting Mr. Kent Nerburn, "Find out what it is that burns in your heart and do it. Choose a vocation, not a job, and you will be at peace."

so close...and yet so far

never been good with words when it comes to feelings.

i normally shy away from the person i am attracted to. worse, i would always 'freeze' at the sight of him leaving me tongue-tied and feeling awkward in his presence. this usually gives off the wrong signal that i am not interested at all.

i admit. i don't easily fall head over heels for someone, lest i saw something more than meets the eye. he has to be a person of depth, talent and substance. i thought i'm never gonna meet someone like my best guy friend anymore. but just when i ceased believing there could still be anyone out there like my ideal man, somebody walked into my life and proved me otherwise. the thing is, the idea of the two of us in a relationship is just too good to be true. yeah. i like him. a lot. but i can do nothing. so i would just watch him fall for someone else from a distance.

so i'd just say how i feel in a song. (kinikilabutan aq. ang korni! haha!) pls visit: http://nivremcasie.multiply.com to listen to this song originally composed and performed by marie digby.

Voice On The Radio
Marie Digby

Last night I
fell in love with a stranger
Behind the glass house he came
walking out the backdoorInto a crowd of screaming girls
calling his name

I never saw it coming, the way a voice can make me feel
And I fear that I am falling
I should be old enough to know
Not to fall in love with the voice on the radio

So here I stand fighting what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I really feel
And here I stand, wondering what to say to you
Hoping that you feel the same, the same as I do

He's in a rock band with a voice like an angelAnd eyes of a raven sky
And suddenly I find myself
twelve years old againDreaming of you

But who am I kidding to even think
that you might see me
It's in the stars that girls like me
And boys like you were never meant to be

So here I stand fighting what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I really feel
And here I stand, wondering what to say to you
Hoping that you feel the same, the same as I do

Would you be scared if I told you I like you
And would you run if I told you I love you

Cuz here I stand fighting what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I really feel
And here I stand, wondering what to say to you
Hoping that you feel the same, the same
As I do, as I do, as I do

I never saw it coming the way a voice can make me feel
And I fear that I am falling
I should be old enough to know
Not to fall in love with the voice on the radio

condolence...

i feel a little sad today. it's because somebody's mother died...of breast cancer. i am talking about my ex-(boyfriend of 3 years).

see. i don't feel bitter about our breakup anymore. and it's been 8 months since we last talked. the breakup was a little sour but 2 months after that, i felt better. and i no longer feel the same feeling of attachment.

but hearing about him wailing over his mother's death on her deathbed pulled at my heartstrings. i feel sorry for him.

yeah. i wasn't the one who left him. he was. but somehow, i feel sad for him. Three years of being with him was something more than just a relationship. he was there when i was down. somehow, he was the one who helped me up when i was 'spiraling.' he shared his strength when i was weak. he did a lot of things for me. but i can't do the same thing now that we're off. i just hope that girl who is keeping him company would do a better job being more than just a girlfriend. 'cuz he really needs her right now.

maybe i would not have the gall to personally tell him this, but i want him to know i feel sad just the same. i may not be feeling the same kind of anguish inside me, but there is this sinking feeling of sadness. maybe because i found his parents nice and kind.

so i'm writing down that i feel sorry but all i could do now is pray for his mother. and if you're gonna read this by chance, i wanna say, condolence. be strong and pray.

getting busy, getting serious

it's about time to get serious.

at this point, i got no time to waste. though, i have a lot of things in mind, i just want to focus on career.

some would say, the subject is pretty boring. too serious. but actually, it gives me a certain kind of high. yup. it excites me.

i have just read a blog about somebody's career and he has achieved much at such a young age. i also aim to be like him. i mean, if not equally successful, at least a bit close, right?

everybody wants to be `somebody' (at least for him/herself). and that is what i'm gonna be doing soon.

i want to do the thing i love the most..something that i enjoy a lot, so one day, i won't feel that i am working at all. career is not just about earning money, or holding the best position in a company. but it's about achieving a sense of fulfillment in what you are doing. who wouldn't want his or her hard work lead to a sense of financial reward, prestige and achievement?

i am talking about passion. being at your best always. it's keeping from doing a mediocre job. career is all about passion. creating something that makes you smile even after a hard day's work. it is putting all your worth into something that reflects the character in you, something that you can proudly say your own.

so, i guess, having my mba while taking 2 interior design subjects per term won't really hurt. think long-term. i need to sacrifice a lot at present in order to achieve the most important goal in my life: be an interior designer-entrepreneur 3 years after. why ditch such a good-paying job, many friends ask. but who needs a financially rewarding job if you feel some of your talent and energies just fall by the wayside, getting wasted everyday?

don't get me wrong. i don't hate my job. and i love the pay too. it's just that, i feel there is so much more that i can do than just stay in an office everyday. i can still write for magazines or go on a freelance writing job even if i quit my job right now. and i can even write my own novel, right? and say i won't be quitting anytime soon, i'd still quit in the future.

it's about time realizing a dream that suits me best. if i won't do it anytime soon, i can no longer do it forever. so it better be this time than regret later.

so,i guess, this is it. I just want to have my own business someday, be a designer and be my own boss. who wouldn't want to manage her own time while getting paid for something that you really enjoy much? and who says i'm gonna quit writing? never.

so. wish me luck. *winks*