greaT things happeN to th0se wh0 waiT

i'm kinda overwhelmed with joy today.

everything was never expected. after breaking my back working my ass off to make ends meet (course, i was exaggerating. it wasn't that desperate *wink*), God finally came to my rescue.

in a month, i have been complaining about all the bills i'm paying. life seems to get harder everyday, and i felt so wornout that sometimes my patience just snaps and i feel giving up.

but today, i have finally seen a light at the end of the tunnel.

in about two weeks, i would be moving in with my mom, sister and ktn to our new apartment.

yup. finally, i can cut a little off my rent and have the spare money for the other bills.

i'm so thankful, really.

God thank you so much! (",)

you must have heard all my pleas or maybe you've been watching all along how hard i work.

Thanks for the blessings. (",)

getting foolish

I've always been known to be a hasty decision maker... only to recant back what i have said later. yeah. some sort of fickle-mindedness.

but to justify my action, i have to say that ending this relationship wasn't as easy as dropping a hot potato.

i have developed the so-called withdrawal syndrome lately. the more i force myself to stay away, the more i get attracted.

it was actually a battle of wits and feelings. but at the end, i conceded.

i fought love and love won.

isn't it frustrating to be in-love sometimes?...

how to Lose a guY in 16 months

how to lose a guy in exactly 16 months?

mY so-caLLed lyf

it must have been that `good' life has avoided me altogether. no matter how i try, things don't get better.

seems that the universe has been conspiring against me. things aren't always going my way. and the worse, my plans keep getting stalled by personal issues that get in the way.

i have planned on setting aside relationships completely or putting on hold matters of the heart. but the harder i try, the more i get distracted.

it is like denying it attention is inviting disaster more.

i have calmed down myself over the past disputes. but for now, i'm torn apart. i can't actually decide whether to drop it totally or stay as friends.

i do like him, but my goals are more important. sometimes i just wish i can do both things at the same time.

but i can't. it is just tearing me apart. maybe i should take some downers for the meantime.

sigh.

a `peace' of me

it was such a dreary afternoon.

i actually felt lazy for the most part of the day.

tho' i really felt lousy, got peace of mind. the quietness has actually set my tranquil mood. my mind is clearer than yesterday.

well, maybe 'cuz the pressure was easen up a bit. i do not have to think of what to say nor do i have to make myself feel okay so we could talk both in a sane manner.

we've been in a cold war... and i don't even know where the relationship actually stands at this point.

if my feelings were to be the sole basis, consider that i'm calling it quits. part of the passion was actually fading by the day and each time we come across each other, i just lose the same tenderness inside me.

i can't actually point out at what circumstance the feelings started fizzling out.

i just know i have lost the so-called `appetite' to continue with the relationship. First, it has started getting in the way of my master plan: meaning my goals. Second, i have lost trust that this is going to be lasting. and lastly, he is no longer sure if this relationship is worth his effort and time.

so, what to do in this case?

i have thought hard about it the past few days. and the best answer is just to lose or kill the feelings.

it's not worth it. i have got priorities and he knew it in the first place before he started courting me. another thing is, he is no longer content and happy with the quality time we spend together.

Giving in to his demands would only get my goals compromised.

i could not allow that, ever.

and if he is not meant to stay, then let God do the rest.

He knows what's best for the both of us.

so i guess, this time, i'm giving up and letting go.

and i know that this time, i'm doing the right thing.

secRet shRink

i went to my shrink today.

he was surprised to see me. haven't seen him in quite a while, nor have i talked to him sometime.

upon stepping into his house, i was speechless. he just stared at me, completely clueless at my predicament.

without a word, i sat right in front of him. and suddenly cried.

he was somehow bewildered. maybe he thought i was well years ago.

he laid his hands on my head as i shook in tears.

and in that moment, i felt well again (",).

readers, hope you got the message i'm trying to get across (",).

dRifting apaRt

a series of small conflicts have set us apart emotionally, recently.

we are drifting apart.

i could not bring my forefinger to my fon's keypad to send him a message saying hi.

guess, i got tired of the cycle, the repeated disputes, making peace and back to the same situation again.

it's kind of draining.

my muse

my muse is back.

ideas have started churning out. ')

cramming

haven't done much the past few days.

i left my appli forms and docus in a corner a few months back. last time i checked, they've already gathered a month's worth of dusts.

enrollment starts in four months and i haven't had anything finished yet.

i'm starting to get a lil bit worried. i need my folio soon to complete the requirements needed.

how i wish i got enough time to finish all these. *sigh* if only i got all my time free...*sniffs*

long overdue

i can't help but be saddened over the turn of events in the Philippines. the country has been gripped by a political crisis that was way long overdue.

mine's just one of the many voices who want to be heard, screaming for the resignation of an illegitimate president who wants to cling on power.

it has been my staunch belief that no leadership can command respect through fear, nor an afraid leadership can lead.

it is bound to meet its doom, and i'm so looking forward to seeing that soon!

Rain

really hate getting soaked up under the rain. the soggy feeling, the chill...ugh! hate it.

the weather is getting a little more colder these days. Christmas is really here...

last night, i slept with the fan turned low. it was because i usually get awoken having chills in the wee hours of the morning. it felt real cold sleeping alone in a big room.

i remember the vagrants i saw sleeping on the streets when i went shopping in Divisoria. the sidewalks near the mall have become their home. the `tiangge' and makeshift booths and selling stalls have become their children's playground.

i saw another face of poverty. watching them eat dinner on the floor with a blanket as a roof over their heads was heartwrenching.

it really broke my heart. i mean, what kind of life do they have? what kind of future lies before them? these children are no older than 4 or 6. they are too young to be suffering that hard.

i even saw this baby on her mother's arms, so innocent she looked really dirty. know the so-called `taong grasa?`
how can these people manage living in such kind of situation? the children don't deserve any of these sufferings.

when i left the place, questions started to run in my head. why do they suffer? is that the kind of life they deserve? are they lesser humans compared to the lucky ones?

now i believe life is now a matter of luck.

if you were born well-off, then you're lucky. if you were born one of those who live in shanties, one of the beggars or the so-called squatters, then you're unlucky.

those people did not want the way they are. they did not have a choice before they were born. they were simply born that way. we can't even choose who we should be or choose the families to whom we were born to. either way, we are simply creations who simply take life's routes as predesigned by the One who created us.

we can only do so much but given the life that we have, i believe we should leave everything to fate even if we do our best.

biting off more than i can chew

a lot of things are going on in my mind right now. i tend to bite off more than i can chew.

three weeks more to go before Christmas day. but my shopping list sits around the corner, untouched for days. i was wishing hard i could make it before Christmas. i'm low on budget and i don't have enough savings for the gifts. but i've got a lot of plans in my head.

next year, i would be saving up more for school. there is no turning back this time. i need to go back to school, lest i want to live as ordinarily as a commoner. could not imagine that. the future seems bleak here in the Philippines and getting out of the country is the only possible way.

i want my car and my house, and there has got to be a way for me to have them. i'd die in my singlehood if i would not have them.

so, got to go back to work. i've got a lot of things to do.

later!